how to get people to like you

advice for people pleasers

A few weeks ago, I read a blog by one of my favorite psychologists on people pleasing (something I see a lot in my private practice) and **boom** she struck a major chord. I find that when you’re a sensitive empathetic person, you’re able to pick up on the needs of other people and if you want that other person to like you, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be what everyone needs.

As a recovering people pleaser, I understand this and it’s more than just being overly nice. It’s when you:

  • Make yourself very available
  • Do what everyone else wants to do
  • Feel bad saying no
  • Take responsibility for how other people feel
  • Are an over-giver

A big breakthrough I had about people pleasing is that it’s a control mechanism. People pleasers are secret control freaks. You try to control how people feel about you, but really all it does is make you resentful, burdened, and unhappy. 

People pleasing can happen when you hang how you feel about yourself on how other people feel about you. I don’t know about you, but I for sure, don’t want my perception of myself to hang in the hands of someone else. It takes away all of my personal power. How I feel about myself is my responsibility. Seeing people pleasing as a control issue really helped me shift it. You assess where you have control and where you don’t. 

Two things that help with this:

Ask yourself why? When you make plans or are going to do anything for anyone else, ask yourself why? If it’s to get them to like you or not be upset with you, maybe that’s not a good reason. 

Second thing I think about:

What parts of myself am I giving up to fit in or to be friends with this other person? Now there was always compromise when it comes to any kind of relationship, but there can be over compromise where you become less of yourself. I want to hang out with people who want me to be full of myself and not like in an arrogant way, but want to be full of my authenticity. This is how you get people to like you. People like you when you’re being your full self. They like you when you’re authentic.

I don’t like when my sweet, lovely, people pleasing, friends try to appease a situation. I like it when they’re being themselves. My mentor Gabby Bernstein says when you shine, you give other people permission to shine. If you have an opinion or boundary, it inspires me to be able to do the same thing and then you can be friends with other people on a more authentic, grounded level. 

I totally get the community is a necessary human instinct part of our lives and that when we feel like we’re not in community it can feel really really uncomfortable. Being authentic is going to attract the right people into your life and that is how you’re going to build a really strong community of support. 

When it comes to how to get people to like you the answer is stop people pleasing, figure out your own boundaries, cultivate a full sense of self, and make friends that are attracted to that version of you. This is a big life lesson too. You’re not going to do it all in one day.  Start with the why. Why do you do the things you do? See if it’s to control someone’s perception of you and then maybe ask yourself what do you really want to do. What do you want for dinner? What time do you want to hang out? How do you want to spend your time? How do you want to make yourself available? Take some the power back to being full of your truest self.

top 10 what a time podcast episodes

Most Downloaded Wellness Podcast Episodes For College Students and Post Grads

I’ve had my podcast for a year now and wanted to share my top 10 podcast episodes as an access point to what topics have been important to girls and parents. I always love when other podcasts share these lists because I’m curious to see what people found interesting. I hope you enjoy!

ep. 23 essence energy with peri zarrella 

ep. 17 all the stress 

ep. 5 women’s health with nurse practitioner julia huff 

ep. 12 on being ghosted 

ep. 19 when expectations don’t meet reality 

ep. 21 does he like me or is it quarantine 

ep 24 mentor minute with megan mcdowell 

ep. 20 corona mentorship

ep. 7 find your tribe 

ep. 14 low bar meditating 


Stay in your Own Lane

The phrase “stay in your own lane” can be another way to tell someone to mind their own business, but today, I’m talking about it as if you’re saying it to yourself. It’s this phrase that I repeat when I find myself putting a lot of energy into others, which inevitably takes away from some of my own magic. Check out today’s video for more insight!

 

What to do when your Best Friend Moves!

My best friend moved from NYC to Los Angeles at the end of June. This became a total #MeToo Moment when in a Mentoring Session one of my students told me her best friend was moving too. While it can be sad you won’t see your BFF as often, there are a lot of things to look forward to when a friend moves. Check out today’s video to see what I mean!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What to do When you Disagree with a Friend

Disagreeing with a friend can be totally awkward, but what’s more uncomfortable is changing your opinion because it’s what you think the other person wants to hear. Check out today’s video to learn what to do when you disagree with a friend!

How to Handle Peer Pressure

I’ve had lots of requests for this topic and I’m happy to bring it to the site today. This is exactly what I do when I experience peer pressure. Use these tips when you feel like your friend’s decisions are influencing your own!

To Freshmen Everywhere: How to get through the Transition

Here’s the deal about being a freshmen in college: everyone feels the exact same way you do. It’s draining to put yourself out there, meeting new people, being in a new environment… and here’s the kicker: everyone is just being the version of themselves that they want you to see (this includes you too) which is exhausting. What we really long for as human beings is connection… and therein lies the paradox. You’re all stumbling around looking for your tribe, when you’re not really being “yourself”. When people let you see their perfect imperfectness it opens that bond to the real part of people that we so desperately long for, especially in the throes of something unfamiliar. So you’re sitting in someone’s cramped dorm room, feeling like you’re having a hard time adjusting, hearing someone talk about something and you’re not listening because you’re texting your friends from home. The real problem is not that you’re bad at making new friends, it’s that no one is truly being authentic, but everyone is still looking to form connection. It’s hard to be yourself as you start the transformative journey of college because you’re changing.

Take comfort in the fact that you aren’t alone. Everyone feels left out. Everyone feels awkward. No one feels like they really belong after two weeks or even months of starting a new school. Choose your friends wisely. Take time to discern other people’s values. Hang around people who make you feel energized. Pay attention to when you feel drained. You don’t really get to see people for who they truly are until second semester. This is when the cracks of realness can’t help but begin to show.

So what do you do now that you’re in the middle of a major transition? Root into something greater than yourself. It’s scary to put yourself out there! Everyone is dying to be in their dorm room alone, escaping. During transitions we hold onto the familiar more than ever. We miss our families, our homes, even the ex-boyfriends we were looking forward to getting away from. Grounding in something bigger enables us to grow and move knowing that we’re supported.

You’re not bad at change. You’re not socially awkward. Transitions are tough. They push us to grow; to become better people. The secret to happiness in everything from friendships to romantic relationships to success in life during and after college is to be yourself. People like you when you’re being authentic and real. They like that you aren’t perfect. Take off your mask. Be warm. Be open. Be brave. Listen when people speak. Put down your phone. Ask someone to grab dinner with you. Ask a different person to go to the gym.

What I really encourage anyone starting anything new is to set up a daily practice of getting still and quiet. It will give you a chance (especially when there’s chaos around you) to listen to yourself; to develop a relationship to yourself. Being still and quiet will help you connect to that little voice inside of you. I call this your Inner GPS. It will help you pick the right friends, guide you to the right guy, help you figure out the right major to make you both happy and profitable. The next time you feel growing pains remember you’re not alone, everyone feels like you do, and remember to use your inner GPS. It’s there for a reason. All you have to do is get quiet enough to listen.

 

What to do when Someone Annoys You

In this video I share what to remember when someone is getting on your nerves. Whether it’s your friends, parents, boyfriend or girlfriend, every relationship is a mirror. It’s a reflection of yourself. Examining how you get along with the people in your life helps is a great way to start self-exploration. At the end of the day the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.