modern mentorship: getting you across campus (and beyond) one pep talk at a time
A year ago I took a walk with my sister and vented about a friend I felt was unkind to me. I went on and on, when she looked at me and said something that changed my mind about the situation. Have you ever had someone be mean to you? Yeah, we’ve all been there. In today’s pep talk, I share what it really means when someone is unkind to you and how this perspective can help you feel better.
Ever have someone ask you how you’re doing and respond, “I’m good. How are you?” without giving it an ounce of thought?
I think we do this for two reasons:
1. we’re not sure if the person asking really wants to hear how we’re actually doing
2. we have no idea how we feel (maybe the biggest reason)
That’s why I’m sharing 3 questions to ask instead of, “How are you?” I love these because they’re clear to the person you’re asking that you really care. They’re creative so they make you think and they’re quick!
I even recommend doing these as an inner practice/ritual so you can get to know yourself. It’s important to figure out how you feel because it affects every relationship you have. Supporting your inner life supports your outer world. Also when we share our feelings with our friends and give them space to share theirs, it creates a deeper connection, which many of us old souls really look for. Let’s get on to the questions:
what’s your weather report?
I love asking my students this. It’s something I learned during my teaching practicum in my Master’s program. You describe your mood based on the weather. If you’re grumpy, maybe you’re cloudy. Happy is sunny. Get creative. Maybe you’re in-between or feeling blah, then you’re partly cloudy. It’s fun to think about your mood in terms of weather. Feel free to get descriptive. For example, I’m very tired right now and I would describe my weather report as foggy ha!
what sounds fun?
I suggest asking yourself this one often because it can help you get in touch with your needs. Sometimes fun can feel really elusive especially when life gets heavy, but levity is a super healer. What’s a small way you can add joy to your life? When you ask yourself, “What sounds fun?” would it be fun to take a walk, call a friend, have a dance party, make a dessert? The options are endless and it’s really the antidote to overwhelm. I have a whole podcast on this technique that you can get here if you want to dive deeper.
what’s your rose and what’s your thorn?
I guess that’s technically two questions (ha!), but my best friend and I texted each other this all the time. Your rose is your high of the day and your thorn is your low. I love this one because it’s like a little reflection. You’re able to take an inventory of your day.
Figuring out how we feel is a form of self-reflection and is important because it helps us feel and process feelings, build our inner relationship to ourselves, and help us understand ourselves in a way that improves our relationship to our outer world. When we bring these questions to our friendships, it’s a way to connect, see how people are really doing, and share your inner life with someone else. If you’re looking to build a relationship with yourself and a deeper one with the people in your life these questions are a great place to start.
A few weeks ago, I read a blog by one of my favorite psychologists on people pleasing (something I see a lot in my private practice) and **boom** she struck a major chord. I find that when you’re a sensitive empathetic person, you’re able to pick up on the needs of other people and if you want that other person to like you, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be what everyone needs.
As a recovering people pleaser, I understand this and it’s more than just being overly nice. It’s when you:
A big breakthrough I had about people pleasing is that it’s a control mechanism. People pleasers are secret control freaks. You try to control how people feel about you, but really all it does is make you resentful, burdened, and unhappy.
People pleasing can happen when you hang how you feel about yourself on how other people feel about you. I don’t know about you, but I for sure, don’t want my perception of myself to hang in the hands of someone else. It takes away all of my personal power. How I feel about myself is my responsibility. Seeing people pleasing as a control issue really helped me shift it. You assess where you have control and where you don’t.
Two things that help with this:
Ask yourself why? When you make plans or are going to do anything for anyone else, ask yourself why? If it’s to get them to like you or not be upset with you, maybe that’s not a good reason.
Second thing I think about:
What parts of myself am I giving up to fit in or to be friends with this other person? Now there was always compromise when it comes to any kind of relationship, but there can be over compromise where you become less of yourself. I want to hang out with people who want me to be full of myself and not like in an arrogant way, but want to be full of my authenticity. This is how you get people to like you. People like you when you’re being your full self. They like you when you’re authentic.
I don’t like when my sweet, lovely, people pleasing, friends try to appease a situation. I like it when they’re being themselves. My mentor Gabby Bernstein says when you shine, you give other people permission to shine. If you have an opinion or boundary, it inspires me to be able to do the same thing and then you can be friends with other people on a more authentic, grounded level.
I totally get the community is a necessary human instinct part of our lives and that when we feel like we’re not in community it can feel really really uncomfortable. Being authentic is going to attract the right people into your life and that is how you’re going to build a really strong community of support.
When it comes to how to get people to like you the answer is stop people pleasing, figure out your own boundaries, cultivate a full sense of self, and make friends that are attracted to that version of you. This is a big life lesson too. You’re not going to do it all in one day. Start with the why. Why do you do the things you do? See if it’s to control someone’s perception of you and then maybe ask yourself what do you really want to do. What do you want for dinner? What time do you want to hang out? How do you want to spend your time? How do you want to make yourself available? Take some the power back to being full of your truest self.