confidence vs competence

pep talk on feeling good enough

I’ve seen a confidence theme come up recently with my students and it always starts out with the same two words: 

I can’t.

I can’t apply to that college.

I can’t be friends with them.

I can’t apply to that job. 

I can’t try out for that group. 

Does any of this sound familiar? Telling ourselves we can’t do something can feel protective then we don’t need to put ourselves out there. No need to take a chance or set yourself up for possible rejection. As a reframe to this issue, I always ask myself: 

Do I have a confidence issue or a competence issue?

99.9999% of the time what’s being described as a competence issue (I’m not good enough. I can’t do it) is really just a confidence issue. I’ll be with a totally capable, wonderful, student and they tell me that they can’t do something, but in reality they’re totally capable of doing the exact thing that they tell me they can’t do. It’s not about becoming more competent; it’s about building up confidence. 

An example I see a lot is the confidence to apply to colleges and  jobs. I’ll  be with someone who is smart and amazing inside out, and they tell me all about the college/jobs they’re not going to apply to. Yet, what I see is someone with all the qualifications needed for whatever they’re telling me they can’t do. It doesn’t guarantee that we get into every college or get every job interview. Confidence is about resilience, trust in ourselves, and the ability to be in the unknown. I also have faith that every outcome is for the highest good. 

If you’ve been telling yourself you “can’t” a lot lately take a deep breath, ask yourself: are you have a confidence issue or a competence issue? If it’s a confidence issues, I encourage you with that clarity to make a move!


 

pep talks on navigating the unknown

being human in the in-between

In the last half of 2020, I started signing off my weekly newsletter with something I wished for everyone during the week. It became one of my favorite practices so I went back and collected the themes as they’re what I wish for you all in 2021:⁣


big dreams ⁣
clarity ⁣
calm ⁣
gentle guidance ⁣
comfort in liminal space ⁣
a deep sense of inner peace ⁣
connection ⁣
fomo freeness ⁣
ease ⁣
softness ⁣

and most of all lots of health.

I am rooting into these words more than ever. If January is already feeling long, here are some tips on navigating liminal space: the time between what was and what’s next.

do they like me?

A pep talk on dating

Do you dissect everything when you start talking to someone you’re interested in? Do the beginning stages of getting to know someone feel confusing? With so many ways to communicate (FaceTime, dating apps, Snapchat etc), there’s a lot going on. A question I hear consistently is: how can I tell if someone likes me? In this pep talk, I share the question you really should be asking yourself (2:34), how to feel empowered in dating (3:28), and how I know when someone is into me (5:23).

a pep talk on holiday fomo

A side effect of social media I’ve see consistently in my private practice is FOMO (fear of missing out). It always seems to amp up over holidays heavy in expectation like New Year’s Eve. It’s so easy to look at social media, see what people are up to, and compare it to what you’ve got going on. In today’s pep talk, I’m sharing what totally changed my perspective on Holiday FOMO. This is always one of my most popular pep talks because it is so universally felt!

Holiday Fomo is when you see other people celebrate any holiday and it makes you feel like you’re missing out or doing it wrong. Social media has taken it to the next level too. We check out of her own life, to check into someone else’s. and then we compare. I find that this spikes during the holidays especially like New Year’s Eve or like 4th of July which is the New Year’s Eve of the summer.

If you’re in a situation where you’re having some Holiday Fomo, here’s what I always remind myself:  

Where you are is exactly where you’re meant to be.

You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not in the wrong place. You’re not missing out. Wherever you are is where you’re meant to be. My yoga teacher Amy during our training had a different quote posted every time we met. One quote I always still think about is by Hafiz which said:

This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you.

Whenever I’m in a FOMO space I think about that quote. It takes away any of the pressure that I’m doing the wrong thing or that my plans are not good enough. This also opens the opportunity to think about how to make the best of whatever situation you’re in.  What are the positives? If you’re feeling holiday FOMO creep in, remember that wherever you are is exactly where you’re meant to be and then jump off social media. People never show you the full picture of what’s going on anyway. You are where you’re meant to be. 

how to intention set for the new year (after the craziness of 2020)

a non-resolution ritual for the new year

Want to plan out 2021, but don’t dig resolutions and still feel like you’re processing 2020? Same, same, so I’m sharing an exercise to help you work backwards. Imagine you’re looking back on your life from December 31, 2021. What do you see for yourself? Today’s pep talk is part creative visualization and part clarity exercise. In order to call in the things we want into our lives, we have to get clear about what it is we’re actually looking for and this exercise will help you do exactly that. 

I am not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. I find that people write down all these things that they want to improve or change and by the third week of January everything is out the window… however, I am someone that loves a ritual. I did this for myself already and I really loved it and wanted to share.

 

Printable pdf here:  New Year Clarity Exercise.

 

first ever ask me anything episode

Frequently Asked Mentor Questions

This is my first ever ask me anything episode! I took questions from my students, instagram, and FAQ to answer in this pep talk. We chat mentorship, anxiety, dealing with parents, friend questions, and much more! I had so much fun with this one!!

0:36 – what made you get into this kind of work

1:43 – do you talk to mentors?

2:59 – what’s the difference between mentoring and therapy?

3:45 – if I could only give one piece of advice to college students what would it be?

4:17 – how can I help my anxiety?

4:54 – how to deal with parents over the winter break?

5:45 – how to handle a friend break up?

6:56 – what advice do you have for a recent grad looking for a job in this climate?

8:11 – what college did you go to?

8:18 – what do you do in your free time?

8:51 – how long have you been mentoring for?

3 tips for surviving a long winter (break)

Do you get the winter blues? Have an epic long winter break? Dreading a Covid Winter? I got you.

In the fall, my mentor, Megan McDowell with her colleague Dr. Rooney, hosted covid safe retreats on the theme of liminal space. I quickly signed up despite the fact I hate retreats (spoiler alert: I ended up loving it) and didn’t really know the definition of liminal space. The goal was to get out of the house and out of my head.

Liminal space is the time between what was and what’s next, which is kind of like what winter break is. It’s the gap between the first semester of school and the second. It’s the liminal bridge between fall and spring. In some ways, 2020 has been all liminal space. Why does this matter? Liminal space is where all transformation happens, if you let it. With the in-between in mind, I’m sharing 3 tips for surviving a long winter (break).

If there’s one thing I know as a mentor, it’s that in-between times can be confusing, uncomfortable, and even boring. These tips will help you find comfort and confidence in the unknown.

a pep talk to normalize the outgrowing of things

a lesser known side effect of winter break

A lesser known side effect of the holidays is that it can really bring up stuff you’ve outgrown. It’s something I’ve seen with my students for years. Whether it’s coming home from school or the extra downtime winter break brings, the space between what was and what is and what’s next can become more apparent. It’s very healing to normalize outgrowing friendships, things you used to like, and even old versions of yourself.

First, I want  to acknowledge the period of time between what was and what’s next. It’s sort of this gray in between that can feel uncomfortable, but it’s where all transformation happens. This is such a fantastic place to do so some mentoring because mentors see where you’re at and help you get to where you want to be, even if you have no idea what that is yet. If you feel like you’re outgrowing something then you’re definitely going through a transition whether you recognize it or not.

I also want to specifically talk about outgrowing friendships. I know this can be particularly painful. Sometimes it comes with shame around not having friends from different stages of life or I hear girls feeling guilty around not being as close with people as they used to be. It is way too high of an expectation to have on yourself and on others that as you grow and change they grow and change in the same way as you.  

I definitely even still sometimes mourn friendships that are no longer whether it’s friendships I’ve outgrown or friendships that have outgrown me. I understand it’s hard at times, but I always feel in the end it’s for the highest good. I’d rather find people or situations that really meet me where I’m at rather than compromise my authenticity or my integrity to fit in with something that no longer fits.  

This is all so normal. I know I keep saying it but sometimes we think something is wrong with us or that we’re in a funk, when really it’s just being in an in-between space. If mentoring sounds like it’s something you want in your life, I’m totally here for you. I know any kind of change can cause stress and anxiety, but the right kind of support shifts everything. I feel like my gift is I’m really able to intuitively hear what people mean and guide them towards their own path.

Wishing you comfort in liminal space! 

an easy exercise for shifting stress 

dr. habib sadeghi’s purge emotional writing

Over the summer, I started having sleep issues. I’d fall asleep fine, but wake up in the middle of the night worried. Forget about being able to go back to bed. I knew I needed to do some waking hours work to process feelings and that’s how I found Dr. Sedeghi’s technique in his book The Clarity Cleanse.

Even though there’s Thanksgiving break coming up, it’s still stress season with finals and end of the year projects looming on top of an already wacky year. This practice, called purge emotional writing, helps you move out of worry and overwhelm and into calm and clarity. Bonus: it only takes 12 minutes.

Instructions:

  1. Grab a pen and paper 
  2. Set a timer for 12 minutes 
  3. Write anything and everything. Dr. Sedeghi says to write about anything that’s “disturbing your peace.” I just just go to town with whatever’s in my head. 
  4. After 12 minutes, stop writing, and do not go back and read what you wrote.  
  5. Burn the paper in a safe outdoor space like a driveway or patio. If you’re a college student or live in an apartment, do not burn your paper! Rip up your writing into a teeny, tiny pieces and throw it away outside not in the house. 

A huge part of this exercise is that you do not go back and read what you wrote. You are not trying to ruminate or get into a loop thought. It’s about getting stress out.

Some extra major mentor tips!

  • Do this exercise at the same time everyday. I do it right when I wake up. If you wanted to use it before you go to bed that would be good too. 
  • A timer tip: I play meditation music, ambient sounds, or piano music when I write and set my timer to “stop playing” to signal the end. After 12 minutes instead of a jarring ring or beep, the music just stops playing to let me know it’s time to move on. 
  • After 12 minutes stop writing. You’ve done it. You’ve completed what you need to complete; then immediately burn or throw out the paper. I LOVE this part. I can say whatever I want and burning it really lets it go for me.  It truly gives me freedom to say whatever it is that I need to say. 
  • **extra credit** I think it would be a really great idea to do a meditation after the writing exercise like this grounding practice or an acceptance meditation.

This ritual is PERFECT during finals or if you’re swamped at work. You just kind of spew out all the things you have to get done. Anything weighing heavy on your heart you just let out on the paper. I’ve been doing it every morning and can attest to it’s magic.