pep talk on feeling good enough
I’ve seen a confidence theme come up recently with my students and it always starts out with the same two words:
I can’t apply to that college.
I can’t be friends with them.
I can’t apply to that job.
I can’t try out for that group.
Does any of this sound familiar? Telling ourselves we can’t do something can feel protective then we don’t need to put ourselves out there. No need to take a chance or set yourself up for possible rejection. As a reframe to this issue, I always ask myself:
Do I have a confidence issue or a competence issue?
99.9999% of the time what’s being described as a competence issue (I’m not good enough. I can’t do it) is really just a confidence issue. I’ll be with a totally capable, wonderful, student and they tell me that they can’t do something, but in reality they’re totally capable of doing the exact thing that they tell me they can’t do. It’s not about becoming more competent; it’s about building up confidence.
An example I see a lot is the confidence to apply to colleges and jobs. I’ll be with someone who is smart and amazing inside out, and they tell me all about the college/jobs they’re not going to apply to. Yet, what I see is someone with all the qualifications needed for whatever they’re telling me they can’t do. It doesn’t guarantee that we get into every college or get every job interview. Confidence is about resilience, trust in ourselves, and the ability to be in the unknown. I also have faith that every outcome is for the highest good.
If you’ve been telling yourself you “can’t” a lot lately take a deep breath, ask yourself: are you have a confidence issue or a competence issue? If it’s a confidence issues, I encourage you with that clarity to make a move!
being human in the in-between
In the last half of 2020, I started signing off my weekly newsletter with something I wished for everyone during the week. It became one of my favorite practices so I went back and collected the themes as they’re what I wish for you all in 2021:
comfort in liminal space
a deep sense of inner peace
and most of all lots of health.
I am rooting into these words more than ever. If January is already feeling long, here are some tips on navigating liminal space: the time between what was and what’s next.
A side effect of social media I’ve see consistently in my private practice is FOMO (fear of missing out). It always seems to amp up over holidays heavy in expectation like New Year’s Eve. It’s so easy to look at social media, see what people are up to, and compare it to what you’ve got going on. In today’s pep talk, I’m sharing what totally changed my perspective on Holiday FOMO. This is always one of my most popular pep talks because it is so universally felt!
Holiday Fomo is when you see other people celebrate any holiday and it makes you feel like you’re missing out or doing it wrong. Social media has taken it to the next level too. We check out of her own life, to check into someone else’s. and then we compare. I find that this spikes during the holidays especially like New Year’s Eve or like 4th of July which is the New Year’s Eve of the summer.
If you’re in a situation where you’re having some Holiday Fomo, here’s what I always remind myself:
Where you are is exactly where you’re meant to be.
You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not in the wrong place. You’re not missing out. Wherever you are is where you’re meant to be. My yoga teacher Amy during our training had a different quote posted every time we met. One quote I always still think about is by Hafiz which said:
This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you.
Whenever I’m in a FOMO space I think about that quote. It takes away any of the pressure that I’m doing the wrong thing or that my plans are not good enough. This also opens the opportunity to think about how to make the best of whatever situation you’re in. What are the positives? If you’re feeling holiday FOMO creep in, remember that wherever you are is exactly where you’re meant to be and then jump off social media. People never show you the full picture of what’s going on anyway. You are where you’re meant to be.
dr. habib sadeghi’s purge emotional writing
Over the summer, I started having sleep issues. I’d fall asleep fine, but wake up in the middle of the night worried. Forget about being able to go back to bed. I knew I needed to do some waking hours work to process feelings and that’s how I found Dr. Sedeghi’s technique in his book The Clarity Cleanse.
Even though there’s Thanksgiving break coming up, it’s still stress season with finals and end of the year projects looming on top of an already wacky year. This practice, called purge emotional writing, helps you move out of worry and overwhelm and into calm and clarity. Bonus: it only takes 12 minutes.
- Grab a pen and paper
- Set a timer for 12 minutes
- Write anything and everything. Dr. Sedeghi says to write about anything that’s “disturbing your peace.” I just just go to town with whatever’s in my head.
- After 12 minutes, stop writing, and do not go back and read what you wrote.
- Burn the paper in a safe outdoor space like a driveway or patio. If you’re a college student or live in an apartment, do not burn your paper! Rip up your writing into a teeny, tiny pieces and throw it away outside not in the house.
A huge part of this exercise is that you do not go back and read what you wrote. You are not trying to ruminate or get into a loop thought. It’s about getting stress out.
Some extra major mentor tips!
- Do this exercise at the same time everyday. I do it right when I wake up. If you wanted to use it before you go to bed that would be good too.
- A timer tip: I play meditation music, ambient sounds, or piano music when I write and set my timer to “stop playing” to signal the end. After 12 minutes instead of a jarring ring or beep, the music just stops playing to let me know it’s time to move on.
- After 12 minutes stop writing. You’ve done it. You’ve completed what you need to complete; then immediately burn or throw out the paper. I LOVE this part. I can say whatever I want and burning it really lets it go for me. It truly gives me freedom to say whatever it is that I need to say.
- **extra credit** I think it would be a really great idea to do a meditation after the writing exercise like this grounding practice or an acceptance meditation.
This ritual is PERFECT during finals or if you’re swamped at work. You just kind of spew out all the things you have to get done. Anything weighing heavy on your heart you just let out on the paper. I’ve been doing it every morning and can attest to it’s magic.
how to deal with anxiety
Have you ever felt anxiety begin to creep up and then you start to worry about feeling anxious on top of it? I get it. I’ve been there too. This anxiety checklist is what I go to first when I feel anxiety coming on. I take a look at this list, make some tweaks, and am able to help myself feel better.
Here’s the meditation I do when I feel anxious:
Jealously has been a sneaky side effect of the pandemic. It’s easy to think that someone has it better than you when there are all different levels of school and work opening for fall. Jealously can actually be used in a really positive way if you know what to do with it. Today’s pep-talk, I share how a moment of jealously helped me and how you can use it to get what you want in your life.
a meditation for acceptance
I received a message from a parent that had a student really bummed out about starting freshmen year of high school online and knew I wanted to help out. I’ve spent the last few months feeling like every day is groundhogs day and know my students feel this too because I hear about it in my sessions. She asked for an acceptance meditation and overcoming difficulties we face with an online school year.
This meditation has been my saving grace throughout this unknown time. It’s less than 10 minutes to relax and process feelings so that you can move through and move on from discomfort. P.S. there was a thunderstorm during the recording, which I think adds perfect ambiance!
::CREATING YOUR INNER CIRCLE::
Who are the people in your life that you tell the truth about yourself to?
This is your inner circle…
And it’s not an easy thing to put together. During covid, community is more important than ever. I know I’ve definitely felt isolated!
When I just graduated college, I used to go to Monday night Gabby Bernstein groups where I met a lot of people with like minded interests, but how do we do that in times of quarantine? Megan McDowell of Heartworks shares with me how to build this inner circle at 45 minutes in the podcast below.
Creating community starts with yourself. If you’re only projecting to people that you have your shit together all the time, life is going to be very lonely. This is also why mentorship has been so important to me. Mentors are in my inner circle that meet me and accept where I’m at.
Watch the video clip here:
full episode here:
I know there’s so much unknown right now (like what will Fall 2020 look like?) and how uncomfortable uncertainty can be especially for college students and recent grads who are already undergoing major transitions. You don’t just have to wait and worry until things get figured out. I actually feel there’s a lot of opportunity if you have the right support! In this pep-talk I share the tips that have helped me navigate this time of uncertainty!