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how to get closer to your friends (and yourself)

3 questions to ask instead of, “how are you?”

Ever have someone ask you how you’re doing and respond, “I’m good. How are you?” without giving it an ounce of thought?


I think we do this for two reasons: 

1. we’re not sure if the person asking really wants to hear how we’re actually doing
2. we have no idea how we feel (maybe the biggest reason) 

That’s why I’m sharing 3 questions to ask instead of, “How are you?” I love these because they’re clear to the person you’re asking that you really care. They’re creative so they make you think and they’re quick!

I even recommend doing these as an inner practice/ritual so you can get to know yourself. It’s important to figure out how you feel because it affects every relationship you have. Supporting your inner life supports your outer world. Also when we share our feelings with our friends and give them space to share theirs, it creates a deeper connection, which many of us old souls really look for. Let’s get on to the questions: 

what’s your weather report?

I love asking my students this. It’s something I learned during my teaching practicum in my Master’s program. You describe your mood based on the weather. If you’re grumpy, maybe you’re cloudy. Happy is sunny. Get creative. Maybe you’re in-between or feeling blah, then you’re partly cloudy. It’s fun to think about your mood in terms of weather. Feel free to get descriptive. For example, I’m very tired right now and I would describe my weather report as foggy ha!

 what sounds fun? 

I suggest asking yourself this one often because it can help you get in touch with your needs. Sometimes fun can feel really elusive especially when life gets heavy, but levity is a super healer. What’s a small way you can add joy to your life? When you ask yourself, “What sounds fun?” would it be fun to take a walk, call a friend, have a dance party, make a dessert? The options are endless and it’s really the antidote to overwhelm. I have a whole podcast on this technique that you can get here if you want to dive deeper. 

what’s your rose and what’s your thorn?

I guess that’s technically two questions (ha!), but my best friend and I texted each other this all the time. Your rose is your high of the day and your thorn is your low. I love this one because it’s like a little reflection. You’re able to take an inventory of your day.  

Figuring out how we feel is a form of self-reflection and is important because it helps us feel and process feelings, build our inner relationship to ourselves, and help us understand ourselves in a way that improves our relationship to our outer world. When we bring these questions to our friendships, it’s a way to connect, see how people are really doing, and share your inner life with someone else. If you’re looking to build a relationship with yourself and a deeper one with the people in your life these questions are a great place to start. 

how to take an effective break the mentor way

making breaks more mindful

A side effect of the pandemic I didn’t expect was how hard it is to not have designated transition times. We used to have built in commutes, walks to class, in-person after school activities and meetings. It takes extra work now to signify the end of one thing and the start of another making a lot of life a blur right now. 

During the Q&A portion of a talk I gave recently, a student asked: “How can I take a break?” The question struck me as incredibly important now that our lives are so digital. It reminded me of the tattoo story because what we connect to on our “off time” has become vital now that the pull of our devices is stronger than ever.

In full transparency, I haven’t researched how long a break should be or what the best activity is. I feel that’s super personal to who you are and what your body needs at any given time, but my mentor tip is a little different anyway. It’s to ask yourself this one question: 

What or with whom am I sharing my energy with? 

This question is really important to me because of an experience I had during my Master’s program. I took an art therapy workshop where we were randomly paired and taught a breathing exercise that included staring into our partner’s eyes for 20 minutes (so awkward!) then while my partner continued the breathing, I went to the art station and painted whatever I wanted. After I was done, we switched and my partner had to make an exact replica of my artwork.

When we finished, my partner told me I painted his tattoo which was wild because I’d never seen it before. It was covered by his t-shirt. This experience blew my mind and made me realize how connected we all are.

So what does this have to do with taking a break? 

You may have heard the saying: “You’re the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with” which is attributed to motivational speaker Jim Rohns. I don’t know how valid that statement is as I’ve not done experiments on it, but I do believe who you share your energy with is vitally important to your overall happiness. It means to become aware of who you are sharing your energy with during the times in your day you take a break. If your class ends and you just pick up your phone and scroll social, who is it that you’re sharing your energy with? 

Some reflection questions: 

  • Who are the five people you spend the most time with? 
  • Who are the five people you chat with the most? 
  • Who are the five people you watch or follow the most on social?
  • What are the five podcasts you listen to the most?
  • What are the five activities you do the most?

Are these people/things you want to share your precious energy with? Do you want to be picking up on their energy? To use this in real life, when you’re about to take a break ask yourself: 

Who or what do I want to share my energy with?

When I ask myself this question it helps me to positively filter my break. I always want to spend my energy or share it with something that’s recharging so maybe being in nature or moving my body. 

I make sure if I’m doing a workout it’s with an instructor I want to be sharing my energy with. 

If I’m on social or listening to a podcast, I follow things that are inspiring and additive.

If I’m talking to a friend I want to talk to someone who I’m okay with picking up their energy because there’s a transference. 

Who’s energy do you want to be a part of? What do you want to pick up on? Make sure it’s positive energy and it feels good to you. This will make your break feel additive. 

A few more basic mentor tips for living, schooling, and working in the digital realm: 

  • Take a break outside of the room that you were doing all of your stuff in. Whether you walk into a different room or get outside, changing scenery for even a brief amount of time, can be helpful.
  • Make sure your breaks aren’t always focused around snacks or eating. You want to make sure you’re eating because you’re hungry and not only because you need a break.
  • My suggestion for a mindful break would be to use an inner practice and make a break a ritual for yourself. Maybe you meditate as a break or you journal right at the end of your school work day in order to ritualize your move into your personal life. 

The important step here is to remember to ask yourself the question: who/what do I want to share my energy with? Wishing you a great week ahead! 

 

ritualizing your routines

inner practices for mental wellness

Do you do something every day to honor your inner self?

I, for sure, did not in high school and college, but now I rely heavily on them for my mental wellness and share these strategies with my students to help move through anxiety and stress. They’ve become a student favorite because they yield big results.

For me, an inner practice is a daily action intended to cultivate the relationship you have with yourself. Nurturing your inner world totally supports your outer world because how you feel about yourself impacts everything in your life. 

After having a hard time sleeping over the summer, I recommitted even more by ritualizing my routine. According to business coach, Erica Keswin rituals take an everyday habit and turn it magical by giving it meaning. She also shared the 3 P’s of rituals: 

rituals give us a sense of psychological safety

a connection to purpose

which leads to improved performance 

When we make our inner practices a ritual, we take it to the next level. The psychological safety is you doing it all the time. The purpose is the meaning you give it, whether it’s time to feel your feelings or time for self exploration. The last part is it improves performance because when you take time to really support your inner world it’s going to have a total effect on how you see your outer world. 

An inner practice I’ve ritualized is Purge Emotional Writing from Dr. Habib Sadeghi. I do it every day in the morning and the meaning behind it is the intention get out my feelings (hello sensitivity) so I can be clear for my day. The final part is the improved performance. I can tell when I miss a day of my ritual because I feel more anxious. Another practice I’ve ritualized is meditating between the end of my work day and the start of my personal life. 

Here are some inner practice tips and tricks:

printable pdf

I’m not kidding when I say that this has been a major game changer in my own life and something that I help my students with all the time. By the way, you can ritualize mentorship as well! Sending you all a lot of love in the week ahead!

how to figure out what you’re good at

a mentor tip for identifying your strengths

What’s the easier question to answer: “What are you good at?” or “What are you bad at?” My guess is the latter. Knowing what you’re good at feels like it should be obvious, but it’s not! In today’s pep talk, I’m sharing why it can be hard to see your good stuff, why it’s important to know your strengths, and a mentor trick for identifying what your gifts are!

Knowing what you’re good at is important. Positive psychology talks about how using our strengths everyday makes for a happier person and we need to think about what we’re good at when we apply to colleges or jobs even when making new friends. 

Sometimes we’re too close to our good stuff to really see what it is. It comes so naturally that we don’t see it as a strength.  On the flip side, it can be so much easier to focus on what we don’t have, instead of what we do. Another layer is sometimes what you perceive as a weakness is really a strength, maybe even your superpower. 

Here’s my mentor trick to seeing your good stuff:

Ask someone you trust to answer these three questions. 

Now, I know this could feel potentially super awkward to ask someone what you’re good at so I created a worksheet. Career coach, Ashley Stahl, uses this technique with her clients as well and I liked her tip to have the person write it down so you can refer back to it. This is especially important if you’re creating a resume or writing a college essay. You can do it with a best friend, a partner, your mom or dad, family member, mentor, teacher etc. Just make sure it’s someone supportive and who knows you. 

Personally, I’m really excited to share these questions because I feel like one of my strengths is that I’m able to intuitively see people’s higher self and their highest potential so I love being of service in this way. If you’re one of my students and want me to do this for you let me know and we’ll do it together!

We are also so lucky today because I had a friend and one of my current students volunteer to let me fill this form out for them on the podcast so I can show you that it’s really not awkward to have people answer these questions for you!

It’s so interesting to see what other people see in you that maybe you don’t see in yourself.

confidence vs competence

pep talk on feeling good enough

I’ve seen a confidence theme come up recently with my students and it always starts out with the same two words: 

I can’t.

I can’t apply to that college.

I can’t be friends with them.

I can’t apply to that job. 

I can’t try out for that group. 

Does any of this sound familiar? Telling ourselves we can’t do something can feel protective then we don’t need to put ourselves out there. No need to take a chance or set yourself up for possible rejection. As a reframe to this issue, I always ask myself: 

Do I have a confidence issue or a competence issue?

99.9999% of the time what’s being described as a competence issue (I’m not good enough. I can’t do it) is really just a confidence issue. I’ll be with a totally capable, wonderful, student and they tell me that they can’t do something, but in reality they’re totally capable of doing the exact thing that they tell me they can’t do. It’s not about becoming more competent; it’s about building up confidence. 

An example I see a lot is the confidence to apply to colleges and  jobs. I’ll  be with someone who is smart and amazing inside out, and they tell me all about the college/jobs they’re not going to apply to. Yet, what I see is someone with all the qualifications needed for whatever they’re telling me they can’t do. It doesn’t guarantee that we get into every college or get every job interview. Confidence is about resilience, trust in ourselves, and the ability to be in the unknown. I also have faith that every outcome is for the highest good. 

If you’ve been telling yourself you “can’t” a lot lately take a deep breath, ask yourself: are you have a confidence issue or a competence issue? If it’s a confidence issues, I encourage you with that clarity to make a move!

 

pep talks on navigating the unknown

being human in the in-between

In the last half of 2020, I started signing off my weekly newsletter with something I wished for everyone during the week. It became one of my favorite practices so I went back and collected the themes as they’re what I wish for you all in 2021:⁣

⁣
big dreams ⁣
clarity ⁣
calm ⁣
gentle guidance ⁣
comfort in liminal space ⁣
a deep sense of inner peace ⁣
connection ⁣
fomo freeness ⁣
ease ⁣
softness ⁣
⁣
and most of all lots of health.

I am rooting into these words more than ever. If January is already feeling long, here are some tips on navigating liminal space: the time between what was and what’s next.

do they like me?

A pep talk on dating

Do you dissect everything when you start talking to someone you’re interested in? Do the beginning stages of getting to know someone feel confusing? With so many ways to communicate (FaceTime, dating apps, Snapchat etc), there’s a lot going on. A question I hear consistently is: how can I tell if someone likes me? In this pep talk, I share the question you really should be asking yourself (2:34), how to feel empowered in dating (3:28), and how I know when someone is into me (5:23).

a pep talk on holiday fomo

A side effect of social media I’ve see consistently in my private practice is FOMO (fear of missing out). It always seems to amp up over holidays heavy in expectation like New Year’s Eve. It’s so easy to look at social media, see what people are up to, and compare it to what you’ve got going on. In today’s pep talk, I’m sharing what totally changed my perspective on Holiday FOMO. This is always one of my most popular pep talks because it is so universally felt!

Holiday Fomo is when you see other people celebrate any holiday and it makes you feel like you’re missing out or doing it wrong. Social media has taken it to the next level too. We check out of her own life, to check into someone else’s. and then we compare. I find that this spikes during the holidays especially like New Year’s Eve or like 4th of July which is the New Year’s Eve of the summer.

If you’re in a situation where you’re having some Holiday Fomo, here’s what I always remind myself:  

Where you are is exactly where you’re meant to be.

You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not in the wrong place. You’re not missing out. Wherever you are is where you’re meant to be. My yoga teacher Amy during our training had a different quote posted every time we met. One quote I always still think about is by Hafiz which said:

This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you.

Whenever I’m in a FOMO space I think about that quote. It takes away any of the pressure that I’m doing the wrong thing or that my plans are not good enough. This also opens the opportunity to think about how to make the best of whatever situation you’re in.  What are the positives? If you’re feeling holiday FOMO creep in, remember that wherever you are is exactly where you’re meant to be and then jump off social media. People never show you the full picture of what’s going on anyway. You are where you’re meant to be. 

how to intention set for the new year (after the craziness of 2020)

a non-resolution ritual for the new year

Want to plan out 2021, but don’t dig resolutions and still feel like you’re processing 2020? Same, same, so I’m sharing an exercise to help you work backwards. Imagine you’re looking back on your life from December 31, 2021. What do you see for yourself? Today’s pep talk is part creative visualization and part clarity exercise. In order to call in the things we want into our lives, we have to get clear about what it is we’re actually looking for and this exercise will help you do exactly that. 

I am not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. I find that people write down all these things that they want to improve or change and by the third week of January everything is out the window… however, I am someone that loves a ritual. I did this for myself already and I really loved it and wanted to share.

 

Printable pdf here:  New Year Clarity Exercise.